I’m going to be honest with you. Don’t even bother reading this entire post before pre-ordering your copy. Duke Nukem Forever
(release date: May 3rd, 2011) promises to kick so much ass you’ll be coughing up your colon with Duke’s boot print in it.
Any gamer who lived through the 90′s (a.k.a. anyone who should be reading this post) will undoubtedly remember Duke Nukem 3D, possibly the most bad ass first-person shooter (FPS) ever created. It had everything a geek could want: guns, excessive swearing and violence, and most importantly, tits. To top it all off, Duke Nukem 3D brought amazing game play, including challenging maps, secret areas (fuck yeah), and a jet pack (FUCK YEAH!) Of course, once you got done with the original game, you would just put it aside and moved on with your life. That is exactly what would happen if you were a lame ass, because you could easily download maps, full-on modifications, or if you were decent with your computer skills (i.e. me) you would crank the level of badass up another notch and make your own content with the tools that came free with it! Just thinking about those days makes me want to break out in a fit of furious nerdjerking…but I digress, we aren’t here to fulfill your sick fantasies. We have to get down to business.
First off, why should you be excited about Duke Nukem Forever? Aside from the fact that I FUCKING SAY YOU SHOULD BE, watch the official trailer here. I highly recommend pumping the volume, especially if you are at work or in class, just so the others can get excited about it too.
If you aren’t hard right now, you may want to get checked for E.D. This includes if you happen to be a woman, since the contents of this video are sufficient to induce…well, a penis. Dick jokes aside, how fucking awesome is this? If your answer is anything short of “IT’S SO FUCKING AWESOME!”, yelled at the top of your lungs, you are doing it wrong. Even the part where he is pissing for a good 20 seconds is loaded with nostalgia! We won’t get into the emotions that arise from the 10 second nut pummeling.
A quick glance reveals that the graphics are around what they should be, considering it has been over 15 years since the original Duke Nukem 3D was released. Beautiful graphics are exciting anytime, but for us veteran Duke Nukem fans, the prospect of simply having multiple levels on top of each other (i.e. floors in a building) is nothing short of colon-busting. As I mentioned before, I used to make maps/mods for Duke Nukem 3D back in my early teens, and let me tell you…having to use a hidden teleporter to SIMULATE, say, falling into a sewer was just a pain in the ass product of the technology at the time. That aside, the graphics look amazing, the weapons look kick ass, and did you happen to see all the tits? Even that big, wailing alien has 3 huge funbags flinging around!
I suppose this is the part where I should predict how face-rocking the sound will be, but I’m not going to. Instead, let’s all praise <insert deity/location/company> that we get to hear sweet sentences such as “Come get some!” and “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and I’m all out of gum.” You know all the best Duke lines are coming when the trailer text includes “We’re fucking bringing it”; that right there is a good indicator of what we can expect.
The game will be available for all major platforms, but if you’re a real man you will be playing it on PC with the graphics and sound cranked, preferably hooked into an HDTV and surround sound. Bust out a Heineken mini keg, beef jerky, and pizza pockets and get ready to fuck some alien shit up. With that being said, 1,000,000 cool points will be awarded to the first person to play Duke Nukem Forever