Welcome to the second addition to h00t.com’s Nuisance Understanding and Thwarting System, or NUTS, intended to introduce you to the detection and identification of 3 of the most common types of douchebags.
Disclaimer: After reading this, you may become severely depressed when you realize half of the people you know (possibly yourself included) are prime examples of the textbook definition of one or more of the various types of douchebag.
1) The Fashion-douche
By far the most common douchebag, the Fashion-douche is defined as anyone who is wearing something obnoxiously ugly or outdated in the hopes of causing someone around them to say: “Gee, they must be a writer/artist/philosopher, I’m so jealous!”. In reality, the reaction invoked by their apparel is more akin to: “Oh please, God, strike one of us down right now…”. The most common form of their apparel comes in fedoras, long, untended hair, popped collars, wool caps (at any time of the year minus winter), thick frame glassed, fugly plaid, and clothing that bears political messages, marijuana imagery, or faces/symbols of famous people (Chavez, Marley, etc).
This type of douchebag, like most of their ilk, are always found in highly populated areas, and for multiple reasons such as:
- Proximity to other douchebags makes them feel as if their existence means something.
- Large crowds provide both the possibility of being seen by as many people as possible and the ability to hide from someone wishing to kick their ass. Ass kickings are the douchebag’s primary predator in the wild.
- Highly populated areas such as cities provide a haven of shitty stores for Fashion-douches to acquire yet more shitty apparel.
2) The Pedestrian/Cyclist Douchebag
For reasons scientists have yet to discover, these douchebags seem to lack the portion of their brain that says: “Obey the fucking rules of the road!”. These douchebags are immediately identifiable when driving down any busy street in any town or city, as they are guaranteed to simply ignore any street signs, lights, and oncoming traffic regardless of size. Most douchebags in this category also fall under the Fashion-douche category, as this act makes them visible to almost everyone in the area and demands almost as much attention as whipping out your cock in a Starbucks.
3) The Ethni-douche
We get it. You’re Italian/French/Irish/etc…and no one fucking cares. A special breed of Fashion-douche, the Ethni-Douche goes out of their way to plaster their ethnic background all over anything and everything they own. A slight variation of this species is the Ethni-poser-douche, someone who sports ethnic pride for a group they don’t even belong to, such as the dink down the street who, despite being painfully white, is walking around in dreadlocks and clothes stamped all to hell with the Jamaican flag.
This particular breed also tends to be the one person in the room who has to make everything a racial issue. For example, Jimmy McFuckface skips school for 2 months out of the semester, but when he fails he doesn’t think about what he has done wrong; instead, he screams that it’s because his British professor hates Irish people and lets all his friends know just how upset he is. While there is bound to be the occasional like-minded fellow in their midst, most of his friends are bound to simply smile and nod while thinking: “But…Jimmy, you’re the douchebag who didn’t go to class…”. However, Jimmy is an Ethni-poser-douche, and is incapable of realizing this, and will therefore be spending the rest of his life working a shitty job with no education, constantly blaming other people’s racist attitudes for his failures.
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There you have it, 3 of the most common forms of douchebags, all in one convenient package. With any luck, this will help you live your life a little more douche-free, in the sense that you can now freely ignore them as soon as they are identified; please note that this may also serve as a self-help guide for yourself or for anyone you know who may fit one of the definitions. Expect more to come in the future.