Back in the ’70s, George Carlin brought to light the very intriguing concept of determining how much of an asshole someone is. It was something to the effect of:

‎”The amount of an asshole someone is is directly proportional to the distance they are away from you at the time you discover this fault. Someone on TV is REALLY an asshole! Someone in the car next to you is pretty much an asshole. A guy next to you in line: (whisper) ‘this guy is a real asshole, here’.”

This sounded a lot like useful math to me, so I broke out the graphing calculator and a pen and paper. In doing so, I have devised the equation:

AR = 100 * SQRT(ABS((D*U)/2))

For those of you who don’t code, SQRT means Square Root and ABS means the Absolute Value (turns a number positive if it is negative. This equation reads:

The Asshole Rating is equal to 100 times the Square Root of the Absolute Value of One Half the product of D and U, where D is the distance from you to the supposed asshole and U is either 1 if you are dealing in metres or 1000 if you are dealing in kilometres.

I have applied this equation to a small calculator that will allow you to guage how much of an asshole anyone who has pissed you off is.

This calculator is a work in progress and will improve over time. It is slated to become one of many segments of the h00t.com Nuissance Understanding and Thwarting System, or NUTS for short.