function Asshole(){
    d = document.getElementById('asshole_distance').value;
    if(d > 0){
        var heading_text;
        u = document.getElementById('units').value;
        asshole_level = Math.round(100 * Math.sqrt(Math.abs((d*u)/2)))

        if(asshole_level >= 0 && asshole_level <= 7071){
            heading_text = "A newbie or amateur asshole, attaining only";
        }else if(asshole_level > 7071 && asshole_level <= 15811){
            heading_text = "Normal asshole with a score of";
        }else if(asshole_level > 15811 && asshole_level <= 50000){
            heading_text = "A seasoned asshole. This one has been around the block a few times, earning"
        }else if(asshole_level > 50000 && asshole_level <= 86603){
            heading_text = "This is an asshole worthy of their own talk show.  Perhaps they could use the first episode to talk about their"
        }else if(asshole_level > 86603 && asshole_level <= 158114){
            heading_text = "The fact that this asshole even exists is frightening.  It is unimaginable how long it took to accrue"
        }
        else if(asshole_level >= 158114){
            heading_text = "Holy SHIT!  This person is a MEGA asshole, weighing in at a massive";
        }

        document.getElementById('asshole_results').innerHTML = ""+heading_text+" "+asshole_level+" asshole points.";

    }else if(d == ""){
        alert("Enter a value. Seriously, there is one field, do I really need to mark it as required?");
    }else if(d != parseFloat(d)){
        alert("Numeric values only, please.")
    }
    else if(d == 0){
        alert("YOU are the asshole, for trying to feed the calculator a 0.")
    }
}