Zombies are by far the most underestimated option for homie candidacy (note: I never use the word “homie”, so I can assure you this shit is serious).  I won’t fault you for not knowing this (I will) since mankind has done everything in its power to lower public opinion of zombies since the dawn of time.  Whether it be crying about their brain-eating habit, hygene, fashion, or  unpleasant language, people (Hollywood in particular) have shit on zombies so much that not one person I have met has a zombie pal.  They are missing out.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “God you’re fucking sexy!”.  Yes, I am.  But this is a talk about zombies, so how about lets look at why a zombie makes such a great friend.

1. A zombie doesn’t give a shit about how you look.
   In today’s society, everyone is so quick to tell you how bad you look; I myself am a professional in this area.  A zombie, however, really doesn’t care, and for multiple reasons.  First of all, he/she doesn’t necessarily have eyes, depending on how long they’ve been dead.  Secondly, look at what the zombie is wearing.  If anything, they might get jealous that your pockets aren’t full of bugs and/or guts.  Bad hair day?  At least you have a head of hair!  The zombie will see this as a beautiful garnish, no matter which way it lies.
2. A zombie is a great wingman.
   Guys, let’s be honest with ourselves: some of us (most of us) are really bad at picking up.  Whether it be that some of us dress a little immaturely, or just plain douchemagnetic^tm, there are those in our midst who have a knack for drying out (yeah, I said it) any chances of getting laid that may have existed.  With a zombie as a wingman, women will cling to you for your affection and protection.  Even your breath is great by contrast!  Not even gingivitis and halitosis combined can’t hold a candle to the funk a zombie is working with, not even by a long shot.  Most importantly, as a general rule, club douches tend to wear a lot of hair gel; to a zombie this is the equivalent to honey on a muffin top.  Simply bar the exits and by the end of the night, all of the (remains of) the club douches will be on one side with the zombie, and all the women will be clinging around you!  Can you say menage a 50?
3. A zombie will never criticize your cooking.
   I don’t mean to be chauvinistic, but here it comes.  Ladies, are you getting tired of your boyfriend/husband/etc complaining about your cooking?  ZOMBIE TO THE RESCUE!  Not only will he eat whatever you put in front of him, but he’s equally if not more likely to eat the ungrateful douchebag who was criticizing the food in the first place!
4. Statistically, zombies are 98% more susceptible to high fives.
   What says “I love you, friend” like a nearly constant state of high five readiness?  Not much.

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There you have it.  Do you find yourself lonely, whether it be from shyness or just plain repulsiveness?  Do you feel you need more in your life?  Befriend a zombie and you will never regret it.

PS.  Zombies make great friends but terrible lovers.  Do not pursue a physical relationship with a zombie, you will get stiffed in more ways than one.