Warning: Unlike most of what can be perceived as angry on this site, this article is a legitimately angry rant. Just to clarify, this is aimed at smokers who are completely ignorant of the rights and well-being of the people around them, not the decent people who know how to at least go downwind.
Today is a beautiful day; the sun is shining, it’s cool-warm outside, and the leaves on the maple trees are all turning colour. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to settle on a stone bench in the quad at my university, a means of relaxing before a half hour of sitting in a boring lecture about elementary physics. I took a deep breath…then almost puked. Sitting at every bench around me was at least one cunt smoking a cigarette next to the “no smoking in the quad” sign located beside every seat. “How the fuck did you make it to post-secondary?”, I wondered. I was astonished for about 3 seconds at their audacity before I realized “Oh, right, most smokers are like this.”, and by “like this” I mean they seem to think that they don’t have to follow the rules because their addiction makes them special. Well, here comes the disappointment train:
You are not special. You are disgusting.
Now that we have that little misconception out of the way, let’s look at a little oddity. Are you aware that spitting on someone is classified as assault, but blowing smoke in someone’s face is nothing? If that doesn’t set off some alarms, try this scenario on for size: I was sitting on a bench wasting some time before I head to class when some ignorant, douchebag smoker walked past me and flicked his ashes on my leg. Not 3 inches away from me, right on top of my leg; the only thing that saved his life was the fact that I was so stunned that he had the gall to do it that I just sat there in awe. Now, had I gone with my first instinct and shoved that cigarette up under his eyelid, I would be in serious trouble and likely kicked out of school; however, having done nothing, I don’t get any flack, but then again neither does he. How does this make sense?
Most smokers are so sickeningly pathetic that it sickens me, and the worst of all are young people. My grandmother is 65 years old and has smoked since she was 11, but I have never once seen her standing anywhere near a no smoking zone lighting up or refusing to put hers out when someone around her finds it offensive; this is not the case with the special brand of tobacco monkeys I see now. No matter where you go, there are disgusting people clogging entrance ways that clearly say “no smoking within 10 metres”. 10 metres equates to approximately 33 feet, not 3 feet, asshole. Oh, it’s raining/snowing/windy? Fuck you, no one cares. Your habit doesn’t take any priority over anything, especially the rights of the people who don’t feel like breathing in the disgusting cocktail you expel from your mouth every few seconds. You can go stand out in the hail for all I care, but if you do, know that it’s your own decision to do so in order to take a few drags off the cancer stick hanging out of your mouth. No one is forcing you to smoke.
You may have gathered by now that I have quite a bit of contempt for smokers, and I do. A lot of people try to make the typical, vacant argument “you’ve never tried it, you don’t know!”. Well, I’ll tell you this much: it stinks, it makes you stink, it’s poisonous, it causes diseases, you look stupid doing it, it makes the ground anywhere smokers have been disgusting, it costs too much money, and people who don’t smoke often get sick because of those who do. Oh, but forgive me, you enjoy it so I guess it’s ok, right? I mean, you have the right to make other people miserable, right? On that note, send me your home address and I will hire people to come to your place and do disgusting things that have the same effect to you. What’s that? That’s not fair? But I thought we just had this discussion. You seem to think that it’s ok for you to do something disgusting that causes other people misery, makes a mess, and could ultimately lead to those people becoming sick and/or dying. By that logic, I can only assume you would be cool with me sending a bunch of AIDS infected clowns with paintball guns to your house to masturbate around the clock while cooking cabbage in tar for you and your family. Doesn’t that sound like a great time? That’s what I thought.
Now, you might think I’m being a little severe, and you are right; however, I’ve come to the conclusion that severe is necessary. People don’t respond to the piddly consequences that are seldom handed out for disobeying smoking rules and etiquette, so the logical reaction to this is to pile on some serious penalties. For example, I plan on proposing the following three strike system to my university:
- Strike 1: Fine
The first time you are found smoking where it is disallowed, your student account will be charged $500. - Strike 2: Fine + Suspension
For the second infraction, the Darwin award-winning pupil will receive a $1,000 fine and a suspension from classes for 1-2 weeks. During this time, since no one takes attendance, any graded work submitted will be given the same mark as if they didn’t show. - Strike 3: Expulsion
Self-explanatory. If you get to this strike, you deserve it.
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Something like this is desperately needed; sure, the argument could be raised that the repercussions are much too severe, but that argument doesn’t take into account that there has never been sufficient deterrent in place. If you want a quicker change, you need to tip the scales dramatically in favour of the desired result. Think of it as increasing the amperage and voltage in one of those lab rat experiments where they use electrodes to get the rats to pick the right item; if people get stung good enough the first time around, chances are far less that subsequent offenses will occur. If this proves to be false, oh well, at least we can rid our public places and institutions of these people.