There comes a point in every man’s life where he has to ask the question: “How much do I hate my body and what am I willing to do to it?”  Tonight, I answered this question and forced others to join me.  The answer to the question was what I have dubbed “The Dirty Hammer”.

So, I know you are dying to know…what is the Dirty Hammer?  In a few words, it is a Frankenroast; that’s right, it’s so bad ass that I invented a new term for it.  A Frankenroast is an ensemble of meats, cheeses, and spices that ,once combined, take on the appearance of a roast of some variety.  This particular roast consists of the following:

• 1 kielbasa (about a foot long and 2.5″ in diameter)
• 15 slices of Italian salami
• 100g of sliced cheddar cheese
• 2 lbs of lean ground beef
• 8 strips of bacon
• 4 eggs (for breading)
• breading mixture (breadcrumbs, oregano, Parmesan cheese, black pepper, garlic powder, chili powder, and seasoning salt)

Now, originally, the Dirty Hammer was intended to be a sandwich; however, it quickly became evident that there was no way this thing would fit on a bun or in a wrap, and even if it did it would only take a few bites to stop most avid eaters in their tracks (it weighed in at something like 4 lbs when it was finished).  Not to be conquered by bread logistics, I decided that the Dirty Hammer would come with a large helping of poutine (fries with cheese curds and gravy), hence the onions, jars of gravy, french fries, and cheese curds on the counter).  Enough about the ingredients, let’s get on with how this big bastard was put together.

Step 1: Hide the Sausage

Oh you guys are gross…I was talking about the kielbasa.  For those of you who don’t know what a kielbasa is, it’s a kind of Polish smoked meat, kind of like pepperoni but much better.  Step one is to layout some strips of salami and place the cheese on top to cover as much as you can.  Once this is done, place the kielbasa near the top to begin rolling.  When I took this picture I hadn’t moved the kielbasa to the top yet.

Once this is done, use wooden skewers to secure the salami and cheese to the kielbasa;  use extra kielbasa to help ensure it is well-covered.  Note: the white on the kielbasa is corn starch, this was used to help the meat and cheese stick to it.

Step 2: Meat Curtains

Seriously, your gross little remarks about my titles is getting embarrassing; this is the part where we “drape” the Dirty Hammer (so far) in a “curtain” of ground beef.  See?  YOU are the pervert, not me.  To accomplish this, place 2lbs of ground beef between parchment paper and roll it out to approximately 1/4 – 1/3 inches thick.

Once the ground beef is rolled out to a size that will encompass the entire Dirty Hammer, place the skewered monstrosity on top of the ground beef and work it until it is completely encased.  This part is great, even one of the cats was impressed.

Step 3: Bacon-up

Similar to leveling up in a video game, Bacon-up is synonymous with taking it to the next level.  I can say with confidence that any man who doesn’t love bacon likely doesn’t like anything awesome…and probably does crochet.

If that doesn’t give you a life-threatening erection, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Step 4: Bread that Motherfucker

YEAH! What better way to seal in the pure, unadulterated greatness than to slap on a nice coat of eggs and specially prepared breading?  After beating 4 eggs and pouring them over the beast, mix Parmesan cheese, breadcrumbs, oregano, garlic powder, seasoning salt, and black pepper in a bowl and then apply liberally to the mammoth meat monster.  Afterwards, place it on a rack in a broiler pan (lining it with tinfoil means it’s a lot easier to clean).

Step 5: Add the Heat

Preheat the oven to 400 C, then place the pan on the middle rack.  You will want to leave it in the oven for about 25 minutes, take it out to flip, and then cook it for another 25.  If you don’t do this, the ground beef won’t cook all the way through, and as much as I could eat raw beef (like any good man) most people are pussies these days.  When you finally remove it from the oven, you will be faced with a Frankenroast, known only as The Dirty Hammer.

Don’t worry, those are only breadcrumbs in the bottom, this baby is cooked perfectly and tastes amazing.  One slice from this, about 3 inches thick, is enough for most people; however, one of my good friends managed to eat half of this bastard with his sole reason being “I made vegetarian lasagna for dinner and then this came along.”  See, I make people’s lives better.  Where is my award?

The Side

As mentioned before, I decided on adding a poutine as the side dish for this mega meal.  It was fairly simple, all I did was add the pre-made gravy to a pot with a little bit of water to thin it out, and threw in some Maggi seasoning, seasoning salt, black pepper, and garlic for taste.  For the french fries, a cheap bag of No Name brand straight cuts did the job, but since we didn’t have any oil I had to improvise.  To cook the fries, I threw them in the oven for about 12 minutes at 350 C, and then dumped them in a large skillet with butter, pepper, garlic, and seasoning salt, cooking them until golden brown.

Add some cheese curds to the fries, top with gravy, and take a nice slice of The Dirty Hammer and BOOM!  An orgasm on a plate.

Everyone who has tried it has loved it, and it’s a good thing too, because I don’t think I could look them in the eye if they didn’t.  Some of you may have been perceptive enough to note that I did not use the onions…this is because I didn’t feel like bringing them with me.