Riding the public transit is a great means of people watching, and by that I mean being a creeper. No matter how long you spend on the bus, whether it be 5 minutes or 3 hours, you can guarantee that you will see at least one person that looks like they got into a fight with a nail gun.

I’m not talking about the people with 2 sets of earrings in each ear, or even the occasional, subtle lip/nose piercing; I’m talking about the ones you suspect are trying to lure Sonic the Hedgehog. For instance, I saw some motherfucker with at LEAST 8 rings in his lower lip…quite frankly, it looked like a zipper. Half expecting a dick to pop out when he opened his mouth, I moved seats as to avoid the phallic menace. At second glance, as if the lip wasn’t disgusting enough, I noticed he also had those loop things that stretch your ear lobe…whatever they’re called; hasn’t this kid ever read a National Geographic issue before? It doesn’t look good on the tribal people who INVENTED it, why would it look good on your pale, scrawny ass? Come to think of it, I suspect if he widens his earlobes, that you can take a wild guess where else he perpetuates the theme (hint: his asshole).

Why is it that the ugliest people go out of their way to make themselves even more ugly? If you put a green mohawk on a pile of shit, guess what? No metamorphosis occurs. It doesn’t magically become inspiring and attractive; no, it is still just a pile of shit, but now it also has some douchebag flair. But what about if we add in some piercings? NOPE! Now we just have hole-y shit with a giant douche-flag on top of it. See a trend?

If you ever approach one of these people about their style (and I use that word with tremendous hesitation) they always seem to say the same thing: “It’s a statement” or “I don’t conform!”.  These empty responses translate roughly to: “I want attention!”, which is what it all boils down to.  Seriously, think about it; what statement are you making other than “Look how fucking UGLY I can be!”, or the abbreviated “Look how FUGLY I am!”.  Worst of all, they seem to think they are some kind of separate culture. Since when did ugly become a culture?  Look, you can’t cry discrimination when a McDonald’s refuses to hire you because you have 8 pounds of steel in your face and a half-shaved, half-purple head of hair.  Think of it as coming to understand that you are so ugly that it is offensive, and they are simply protecting their customers from having to look at your grotesque dome.

I digress, the moral of the story is these piercings are ugly as all fuck.  If you find yourself getting looks comprised mainly of contorted faces and hear whispers more than twice a day about you, take it to heart.  Do yourself and the rest of the world a favor, and stop getting/showing off obnoxious piercings.  Who knows, if you tone it down maybe someone might actually want to fuck you.